We are given one life, and the decision is ours whether to wait for circumstances to make up our mind, or whether to act, and in acting, to live. - Omar Nelson Bradley
"First of all, I don't know what the hell I am doing with you right now. I'm sacrificing something very important to me just by being with you. But then, sitting like this feels so good. With my head on your shoulders, looking at a world so full of chaos and seeing something entirely peaceful."
'Yun ang mga unang salita na sinabi ni Nicole, ang babaeng iniwan ang sariling kasal niya.
"So..."
"Hush. This is my story to tell. So you keep quiet for now. All I need right now is for you to listen. I'm not looking for advice from you or criticisms or any other sentimental garbage. All I need is for somebody to listen. After I tell you everything, then maybe I'll hear what you want to say. But not until then. So, please listen."
"Whatever you like. Don't rush..." sabi ko sa kanya. Tama nga naman si Nicole. There is a time to speak and there is a time to listen. Now, it's my time to listen and her time to speak.
"As I was approaching the entrance of the Church, my whole life passed through my eyes. I saw myself with different guys. A guy in high school. Pao. You. And I started doubting myself. Am I doing the right thing? Am I where I need to be? Natakot ako. I have no answers for my questions. Only more questions and what ifs. I don't want to live my life asking all those questions."
Nicole took a moment to clear her throat before continuing what she has to say.
"And I panicked. Well not really panicked. More of like, chose another direction. I made up this stupid excuse that I needed time to be alone and they should go on ahead. And they did. So I just turned around and walked away from my own wedding. I saw your car. I would never forget that sweet ride of yours. Kaya ayun, nandito tayo ngayon."
"Ganun lang ba kadali 'yun Nicole? Ang talikuran ang lahat?" tanong ko. Humiwalay siya sa akin at tiningnan ako ng taimtim.
"You're an idiot, Yomz..." sabi niya. Sinuntok niya ako sa braso bago niya pinatong ang ulo niya sa aking mga balikat.
"Of course not. It was hard. It was very, very hard. I don't know how I ended up here and I'm confused myself as to why I'm here, but I am. And I'm still a very long way off from the answers I'm looking for. Do you think you could supply me some answers? Got a little Atenean wisdom for a poor LaSallian like me?" sabi ni Nicole na may halong pabiro sa boses niya.
Nag-isip akong mabuti. Hindi lang para sa akin kung hindi para sa kanya. Whatever I will say would open up a direction for her. At hindi ko rin alam kung anong sasabihin ko. Sasabihin ko ba na tama ang ginawa niya. Or shall I say something about fate bullshit and everything that happened led to this moment? To this monumental decision. 'Problema lang, hindi ako naniniwala sa kapalaran. At least not wholly. I always believed that fate is more like roads presented to us but it will always be up to us which road we will pick. Malabo ba? Sorry. Hindi ko na gaanong maipaliwanag e. Huminga ako ng malalim at nagsalita.
"Do you believe in destiny?" tanong ko. Medyo malabo 'ata ang tanong ko at hindi ko alam kung bakit ko tinanong iyon.
"I believe in choices and free will. Nothing is pre-ordained. If everything is according to someone's plan then no matter how fucked up your life is, you'll eventually get where you need to be. I don't buy it. Because by believing in destiny, fate or whatever you would want to call it, you give up on choices, the importance of sacrifice and free will. It gives false hope and broken dreams. We are a product of our own choices. Nothing more, nothing less..." sagot niya.
"Pretty straight forward." I remarked.
"Ngek. Ang corny naman ng tanong mo. Ano 'to? Soap opera. Akala ko dun lang ako makakarinig ng linyang ganun..." sabi ni Nicole sabay tawa. Namula ako ng kaunti. That was pretty cliché-ish.
"So what happened to us was just chance? A freak coincidence?" sabi ko.
"I wouldn't call it that. Call it serendipity. It's much more romantic that way."
"But it still accounts for the same thing right?"
"Maybe. So what's your point?" sabi niya na medyo may halong iritasyon sa boses.
"Nothing really. Just making idle conversation..." sabi ko.
May katahimikang bumalot sa amin. There's like this gap between us that prevents us from asking the real questions. The heart of the matter, if you will. Sino kaya ang unang kukurap sa amin? Palibhasa, pareho naming alam na kung may magsalita na sa amin, magkakaroon ng desisyon. And it scares the hell out of us. Because whatever decision we come up with, somebody will get hurt.
Hindi na lang niya desisyon ito. Hindi na lang ito desisyon ko. Desisyon naming pareho ito because whatever happen will affect us both. As to what extent, that's what scares us.
But sooner or later we have to. We can't run away forever. Sooner or later we have to face the consequence of our actions and sometimes it's better to deal with them now rather than a time where we can't do anything about it. We make choices everyday and somewhere among those choices, is a choice that may determine the direction where we are heading.
Hinanda ko na ang sarili ko para tanungin siya. Pero, naunahan niya ako.
"Sa tingin mo tama ang ginawa ko Yomz?" sabi ni Nicole. Nabuksan na. Napaisip ako ng matagal bago ako sumagot.
"I'm not really sure. The choices you had to make have no concrete yes or no answer. Everything is blurred in between..." sabi ko.
"Yomz. What do you really think? 'Wag mo akong daanin sa philosophical bullshit mo..." sabi niya.
"Fine. I would like to believe," I took a moment to clear my throat, "that you indeed made the right choice because this choice gives me a chance. But was it the right choice? I don't know. But do I want it to be right? Absolutely."
"Oh. Ok..." sabi niya with a thoughtful look on her face.
"Nicole, what did you love about me?" tanong ko.
"Love?" sabi niya sabay tawa. "You're asking a girl that has run away from her wedding how much she loves someone she met not long ago."
"I guess you're right. Let's rephrase. What did you like about me? Really..." sabi ko with utmost seriousness. She thought about it for a while, carefully composing her answer.
"The thing about you is that everything about you excites me. You're like this roller coaster ride that makes life more exciting. Every girl likes to be swept off her feet by someone dazzling and magnificent. You're that guy for me. You swept me off my feet. And there's this connection between us that I can't explain. It's like when I'm with you, time stops. Heck, the whole world stops and the two most important things in the world are you and me. You're a fairy tale in clothes Yomz..." sabi niya. Tumahimik na lang muna ako, mukhang may gusto pa siyang sabihin.
"And of course, I always liked the way we dance. No matter how chaotic the world is, no matter how fast it changes, we can always go slow."
That brought a smile to my face.
"And what do you like about Pao?" tanong ko.
"Ano 'to? 20 questions?" tanong niya ng pabiro.
"Just answer the question Miss Model..." sabi ko.
She stuck out her tongue like a little girl. 'Cute niya talaga. Haha. But seeing that I was taking this seriously. She calmed down and kept quiet for a few minutes.
"What do I like about Pao? The thing about Pao is that he's not a guy that can sweep a girl off her feet. He's not that kind of guy. But what he does is make the ride a little smoother. He's the type that would hold all your shopping bags while you try out a million outfits. He's the type that would read for you when you go blind. He may not be the most romantic but he takes care of you. Basically, he's the type of guy every parent would like their daughter to have as a boyfriend."
"So which of us would you like to spend your dying days with?" tanong ko.
"That's not a fair question. It's almost like cheating you know." She said with a pout on her adorable red lips.
"I think it is a fair question. And the most important..." sabi ko.
"Hmm... Fine..." sabi niya bago tumahimik muli.
"The truth is, no matter with whom I spend my life with, maybe it just doesn't matter. I can picture both of you and everything would be perfect no matter who I choose. I'm very confused Yomz. I like, no. I love you both. And choosing between both of you just tears me apart. This is even worse than choosing what to wear at a party!"
At that last remark, I just laughed. I don't know. She was so serious but then she brings up stuff like this.
"I'm serious here..." sabi niya.
"Sorry. I couldn't help myself..." sabi ko.
Katahimikan muli ang bumalot sa amin. Napag-usapan na namin halos lahat pero wala pa ring desisyon na nararating. Finally, I asked a question that I don't even know why I asked.
"If the world is about to end but either me or Pao have a chance to stop it. And in return, one of us would run the risk of losing you forever. Who would save the world and who would let the world end and be with you?"
Nag-isip siyang mabuti bago sinagot ang katanungan. Sino nga ba talaga?
"First of all, I don't know what the hell I am doing with you right now. I'm sacrificing something very important to me just by being with you. But then, sitting like this feels so good. With my head on your shoulders, looking at a world so full of chaos and seeing something entirely peaceful."
'Yun ang mga unang salita na sinabi ni Nicole, ang babaeng iniwan ang sariling kasal niya.
"So..."
"Hush. This is my story to tell. So you keep quiet for now. All I need right now is for you to listen. I'm not looking for advice from you or criticisms or any other sentimental garbage. All I need is for somebody to listen. After I tell you everything, then maybe I'll hear what you want to say. But not until then. So, please listen."
"Whatever you like. Don't rush..." sabi ko sa kanya. Tama nga naman si Nicole. There is a time to speak and there is a time to listen. Now, it's my time to listen and her time to speak.
"As I was approaching the entrance of the Church, my whole life passed through my eyes. I saw myself with different guys. A guy in high school. Pao. You. And I started doubting myself. Am I doing the right thing? Am I where I need to be? Natakot ako. I have no answers for my questions. Only more questions and what ifs. I don't want to live my life asking all those questions."
Nicole took a moment to clear her throat before continuing what she has to say.
"And I panicked. Well not really panicked. More of like, chose another direction. I made up this stupid excuse that I needed time to be alone and they should go on ahead. And they did. So I just turned around and walked away from my own wedding. I saw your car. I would never forget that sweet ride of yours. Kaya ayun, nandito tayo ngayon."
"Ganun lang ba kadali 'yun Nicole? Ang talikuran ang lahat?" tanong ko. Humiwalay siya sa akin at tiningnan ako ng taimtim.
"You're an idiot, Yomz..." sabi niya. Sinuntok niya ako sa braso bago niya pinatong ang ulo niya sa aking mga balikat.
"Of course not. It was hard. It was very, very hard. I don't know how I ended up here and I'm confused myself as to why I'm here, but I am. And I'm still a very long way off from the answers I'm looking for. Do you think you could supply me some answers? Got a little Atenean wisdom for a poor LaSallian like me?" sabi ni Nicole na may halong pabiro sa boses niya.
Nag-isip akong mabuti. Hindi lang para sa akin kung hindi para sa kanya. Whatever I will say would open up a direction for her. At hindi ko rin alam kung anong sasabihin ko. Sasabihin ko ba na tama ang ginawa niya. Or shall I say something about fate bullshit and everything that happened led to this moment? To this monumental decision. 'Problema lang, hindi ako naniniwala sa kapalaran. At least not wholly. I always believed that fate is more like roads presented to us but it will always be up to us which road we will pick. Malabo ba? Sorry. Hindi ko na gaanong maipaliwanag e. Huminga ako ng malalim at nagsalita.
"Do you believe in destiny?" tanong ko. Medyo malabo 'ata ang tanong ko at hindi ko alam kung bakit ko tinanong iyon.
"I believe in choices and free will. Nothing is pre-ordained. If everything is according to someone's plan then no matter how fucked up your life is, you'll eventually get where you need to be. I don't buy it. Because by believing in destiny, fate or whatever you would want to call it, you give up on choices, the importance of sacrifice and free will. It gives false hope and broken dreams. We are a product of our own choices. Nothing more, nothing less..." sagot niya.
"Pretty straight forward." I remarked.
"Ngek. Ang corny naman ng tanong mo. Ano 'to? Soap opera. Akala ko dun lang ako makakarinig ng linyang ganun..." sabi ni Nicole sabay tawa. Namula ako ng kaunti. That was pretty cliché-ish.
"So what happened to us was just chance? A freak coincidence?" sabi ko.
"I wouldn't call it that. Call it serendipity. It's much more romantic that way."
"But it still accounts for the same thing right?"
"Maybe. So what's your point?" sabi niya na medyo may halong iritasyon sa boses.
"Nothing really. Just making idle conversation..." sabi ko.
May katahimikang bumalot sa amin. There's like this gap between us that prevents us from asking the real questions. The heart of the matter, if you will. Sino kaya ang unang kukurap sa amin? Palibhasa, pareho naming alam na kung may magsalita na sa amin, magkakaroon ng desisyon. And it scares the hell out of us. Because whatever decision we come up with, somebody will get hurt.
Hindi na lang niya desisyon ito. Hindi na lang ito desisyon ko. Desisyon naming pareho ito because whatever happen will affect us both. As to what extent, that's what scares us.
But sooner or later we have to. We can't run away forever. Sooner or later we have to face the consequence of our actions and sometimes it's better to deal with them now rather than a time where we can't do anything about it. We make choices everyday and somewhere among those choices, is a choice that may determine the direction where we are heading.
Hinanda ko na ang sarili ko para tanungin siya. Pero, naunahan niya ako.
"Sa tingin mo tama ang ginawa ko Yomz?" sabi ni Nicole. Nabuksan na. Napaisip ako ng matagal bago ako sumagot.
"I'm not really sure. The choices you had to make have no concrete yes or no answer. Everything is blurred in between..." sabi ko.
"Yomz. What do you really think? 'Wag mo akong daanin sa philosophical bullshit mo..." sabi niya.
"Fine. I would like to believe," I took a moment to clear my throat, "that you indeed made the right choice because this choice gives me a chance. But was it the right choice? I don't know. But do I want it to be right? Absolutely."
"Oh. Ok..." sabi niya with a thoughtful look on her face.
"Nicole, what did you love about me?" tanong ko.
"Love?" sabi niya sabay tawa. "You're asking a girl that has run away from her wedding how much she loves someone she met not long ago."
"I guess you're right. Let's rephrase. What did you like about me? Really..." sabi ko with utmost seriousness. She thought about it for a while, carefully composing her answer.
"The thing about you is that everything about you excites me. You're like this roller coaster ride that makes life more exciting. Every girl likes to be swept off her feet by someone dazzling and magnificent. You're that guy for me. You swept me off my feet. And there's this connection between us that I can't explain. It's like when I'm with you, time stops. Heck, the whole world stops and the two most important things in the world are you and me. You're a fairy tale in clothes Yomz..." sabi niya. Tumahimik na lang muna ako, mukhang may gusto pa siyang sabihin.
"And of course, I always liked the way we dance. No matter how chaotic the world is, no matter how fast it changes, we can always go slow."
That brought a smile to my face.
"And what do you like about Pao?" tanong ko.
"Ano 'to? 20 questions?" tanong niya ng pabiro.
"Just answer the question Miss Model..." sabi ko.
She stuck out her tongue like a little girl. 'Cute niya talaga. Haha. But seeing that I was taking this seriously. She calmed down and kept quiet for a few minutes.
"What do I like about Pao? The thing about Pao is that he's not a guy that can sweep a girl off her feet. He's not that kind of guy. But what he does is make the ride a little smoother. He's the type that would hold all your shopping bags while you try out a million outfits. He's the type that would read for you when you go blind. He may not be the most romantic but he takes care of you. Basically, he's the type of guy every parent would like their daughter to have as a boyfriend."
"So which of us would you like to spend your dying days with?" tanong ko.
"That's not a fair question. It's almost like cheating you know." She said with a pout on her adorable red lips.
"I think it is a fair question. And the most important..." sabi ko.
"Hmm... Fine..." sabi niya bago tumahimik muli.
"The truth is, no matter with whom I spend my life with, maybe it just doesn't matter. I can picture both of you and everything would be perfect no matter who I choose. I'm very confused Yomz. I like, no. I love you both. And choosing between both of you just tears me apart. This is even worse than choosing what to wear at a party!"
At that last remark, I just laughed. I don't know. She was so serious but then she brings up stuff like this.
"I'm serious here..." sabi niya.
"Sorry. I couldn't help myself..." sabi ko.
Katahimikan muli ang bumalot sa amin. Napag-usapan na namin halos lahat pero wala pa ring desisyon na nararating. Finally, I asked a question that I don't even know why I asked.
"If the world is about to end but either me or Pao have a chance to stop it. And in return, one of us would run the risk of losing you forever. Who would save the world and who would let the world end and be with you?"
Nag-isip siyang mabuti bago sinagot ang katanungan. Sino nga ba talaga?
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