Imposible Part 27

In my end is my beginning
- Jean de la Fontaine

Hay naku. Nasa hospital ako ngayon. Guess what? Buntis ako. Yep. Could you believe it? Me, Miss Model, pregnant with a child! I'm five months pregnant. It's around eight months since the wedding occurred. Eight months since I last saw Yomz.

Hmm... Yomz. I still remember him fondly. We had a lot of good memories together. And every hardship that I had was worth the pain. It was really worth it. Pero, masaya na ako sa pinili ko. Sa tingin ko, dito talaga ako dapat. Nasa ospital, buntis at naghihintay sa resulta ng ultrasound; dala dala ang anak namin ni Pao.

So what's next for me? Well, basically it involves me staying home and taking care of my kids. Yes, I do plan on having more than one ^^. Nakaka-excite nga. Domestic life agrees with me. Hehe.

Siguro may mga ibang nag-iisip, why give up a good career when you can be a mom and have a career in the first place? All that about female empowerment and all the other bullshit women groups say. Simple: it's my choice. I think true feminism entails that a woman makes her own decisions without others saying anything. True feminism is about a woman's ability to choose what she wants to be. Others choose a successful career and to live a very driven life. That's ok. But it's also ok to choose to settle down and just take care of the kids at home. Hindi ako kukuha ng yaya. Nope. I'm going to take care of them myself. Gusto ko maramdaman na lumaki ang mga anak ko. Gusto ko na maramdaman nila na nandito ang nanay nila tuwing may pangangailangan sila.

“Nicole?”

“Yes, Pao?” ang sabi ko. Tiningnan ko siya at ngumiti.

“Worried?” ang sabi niya na may pag-aalala sa boses. Nginitian ko lang siya at hinawakan ang kamay niya. Nang biglang naisipan ko ang tanong na matagal ko ng gustong itanong sa kanya.

“Pao... If the world will end and if you're the only who could save it but you were given a choice: either save the world and in return you'll lose me or let the world end and just be with me forever. What would you do?”

Tiningnan ako ni Pao. Sabay tinawanan niya ako. I pouted.

“Why are you laughing at me? I'm serious here.”

“You are?” ang sabi ni Pao.

“Yeah.” ang sabi ko na may halong pagkairita sa boses.

“Well...”

After a few minutes...

“Oh... ano na Pao?” sabi ko. Tiningnan ako ni Pao ng mabuti.

“I'll save the world Nicole...” ang sabi ni Pao. Napatingin ako sa kanya.

“So... tama nga siya...” ang binulong ko sa sarili ko.

“What did you just say?”

“Huh? Nothing. Nothing. Bakit naman Pao?” ang tanong ko.

Bago niya masagot ang katanungan ko, dumating na ang aming doctor. Binigyan niya kami ng selyadong envelope. Nasa loob ang resulta ng ultrasound. Ngayon... lalake ba o babae? Nawala na ang katangungan sa isip namin at nakatutok na kami sa resulta nito.

“Buksan ko na ba?” ang sabi sa akin ni Pao. I merely nodded in response. Medyo kinakabahan rin ako pero ayos lang I guess. Hindi ko pa alam kung ano ipapangalan ko....

“Nicole...” ang sabi ni Pao; tiningnan niya ako at ngumiti, “It's a boy hun.”

“Wow.” ang sabi ko. May isang luha na nakawala sa aking mga mata at dumalas lampas sa aking mga pisngi.

“What shall we call him?” ang sabi niya. At dun ko nalaman kung ano ang ipapangalan ko sa kanya.

“Yomz...”

~Wakas~

Imposible Part 26

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity. - Gilda Radner


Hey. Si Yomz 'to. Kung nagtataka kayo kung nasan ako, nandito pa rin sa Tagaytay Highlands. Wala lang. I guess I like this place a lot. Or maybe, because there's an special occasion today. It's not that hard to guess what it is. Hehe. Konting pasensya lang. Makukuha nyo rin ang buong kuwento.

Siguro nagtataka kayo kung nasan si Nicole ngayon. Ang prinsesa. Si Miss model. Haha. Well, let's just say she's where she needs to be. And 'andito ako lagi para sa kanya kung kakailanganin nya.

Nag-usap na kami ng masinsinan. At naitanong ko na ang dapat tanungin. Oo alam ko. Medyo malabo nga na ibase ang isang napakalaking desisyon sa isang kakaibang tanong. Illogical hindi ba? Pero, what did you expect? It was an unusual circumstance, it will also end in unusual circumstance.

Let us pray for this man and this woman as they make their marriage vows -- Almighty God, who, from the beginning, has made man and woman for each other, let your Holy Spirit rest upon your servants, as in your name they pledge themselves to one another in vows of love and faithfulness. Let your love be upon them and their be in thee, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Nagsisimula na si Fr. Dacanay, SJ. Sa mga hindi nakakaalam, siya ang "terror prof" ko in college sa Marriage and Sexuality. Yup. Merong ganun sa amin sa Ateneo. Haha. Kakaiba talaga ang mga heswita. At kung hindi nyo pa rin alam kung ano ginagawa nya, may ikinakasal siya.

Nandito tayo sa isang kasal na malapit sa puso ko. Isang kasal na hindi ko makakalimutan sa buong buhay ko. Ito ang kasal ni Nicole at...

I love you and on this day I wed you. Not just for who you are, but for who I am when I'm with you. I love you not for what you've done with your life but for what you're doing with mine.

I love you for making me good, happy and whole. Because, that is what you do. Without a word. Without a gesture. Without a doubt. Just by being yourself.

Such a simple thing... but no one else in the world can do it. Only you... forever.

This day, before our family and friends. With joy in my heart, I pledge myself to you as your wife promising to love you, to cherish our moments together for now and forever.

Ang tamis ng mga salitang binitawan ni Nicole. Isa ito sa mga hindi gaanong alam na wedding vows. Pero I think, this fits perfectly with the situation. She's happy. And I'm happy. Minsan lang siguro dumating sa buhay mo ang ganitong pakiramdam. Ang ganitong sitwasyon. It's so damn perfect.

Pero hindi ito para sa amin ni Nicole. Para kay Nicole at Pao ito. Haha. Sorry kung medyo cliffhanger moment pero gusto ko lang patagalin. Suspense, 'ika nga. Haha. Pero yep. Totoo ang narinig niyo. Ito ang kasal ni Nicole at Pao. At nandito ako sa may pintuan, pinapanood sila.

Marahil ay may ibang nagtatanong, "Bakit Yomz? Bakit mo ginawa ito?" Simple lang. Dahil sa sagot ni Nicole. Pero hindi ko na sasabihin kung ano ang sagot nya. Para sa kanya na 'yun para sabihin. Wala na ako dun.

Sa totoo lang, may kaunting panghihinayang din ako pero we all have to live with our decisions. Even though this was not my decision to make. It was hers. I gave her every freedom. Even the freedom to walk away from me. 'Know why? Because the purest and the truest of all freedoms is the one when you choose to do something from the bottom of your heart. I just gave her that choice. And if she's ok with it, then I guess I am.

In the presence of God, and before our family and friends, I take you to be my wife; to laugh with you in joy; to grieve with you in sorrow; to support you in sickness and in health; to grow with you in love; and to be faithful to you alone, as long as we both shall live.

'Yan si Pao. Tamang-tama sa paglalarawan ni Nicole. Straight up, not that romantic, pero maaasahan mo na nandyan lang para sa iyo. I guess every guy has his own way of loving. Some can be very romantic while some are not. But they still love the same I guess, even if some ways don't show it that much. Come on, let's face it. Men are not really the most romantic of all creatures. But we can love. And we can take care of you. We may not be perfect or we may not love a girl like they expect us to, but it doesn't mean that our love wavers. It just means that we have other subtler ways of showing it. Taking out someone. Picking her after classes or even escorting her to her class. Or just by being there, hugging all the girls' problems away.

May God bless you with hope, enough to keep the dawn in your love, and fear, enough to keep you holding hands in the dark. Unity, enough to keep your roots entwined, and separation, enough to keep you reaching out for each other. Harmony, enough to keep romance in your song, and discord, enough to keep you tuning your love. You may now kiss the bride.

Tumalikod na ako at naglakad palayo. I know some people won't approve of my decision if they hear of it. My only defense is... in my mind, this is the way things should be. It's not fate or destiny that brought me to this conclusion. This is just the way things are. Let's just say that what I am is rain. And every rain passes away, leaves things be and let the sun shine again. And like every rain, it moves on and goes to new places, ready to cleanse everything away for a new beginning to commence.

"Good luck Nicole..." sabi ko.

Bagama't hindi nagtapos ang kwentong ito sa inakala kong katapusan, masasabi ko na masaya pa rin ako sa kinalabasan. I'm happy because I learned a lot and it made me realize a few things. And for once in my life, I felt true happiness and contentment. No matter how it ended, it will still be a memory that I won't ever forget and it's a story that I can tell my kids and grandkids. Imposible man o hindi, masarap pa rin.

Natapos na rin ang isang yugto sa buhay ko. Panahon na para isarado ang pahinang ito at magsimula muli sa isang bagong pahina.

Imposible Part 25

We are given one life, and the decision is ours whether to wait for circumstances to make up our mind, or whether to act, and in acting, to live. - Omar Nelson Bradley


"First of all, I don't know what the hell I am doing with you right now. I'm sacrificing something very important to me just by being with you. But then, sitting like this feels so good. With my head on your shoulders, looking at a world so full of chaos and seeing something entirely peaceful."

'Yun ang mga unang salita na sinabi ni Nicole, ang babaeng iniwan ang sariling kasal niya.

"So..."

"Hush. This is my story to tell. So you keep quiet for now. All I need right now is for you to listen. I'm not looking for advice from you or criticisms or any other sentimental garbage. All I need is for somebody to listen. After I tell you everything, then maybe I'll hear what you want to say. But not until then. So, please listen."

"Whatever you like. Don't rush..." sabi ko sa kanya. Tama nga naman si Nicole. There is a time to speak and there is a time to listen. Now, it's my time to listen and her time to speak.

"As I was approaching the entrance of the Church, my whole life passed through my eyes. I saw myself with different guys. A guy in high school. Pao. You. And I started doubting myself. Am I doing the right thing? Am I where I need to be? Natakot ako. I have no answers for my questions. Only more questions and what ifs. I don't want to live my life asking all those questions."

Nicole took a moment to clear her throat before continuing what she has to say.

"And I panicked. Well not really panicked. More of like, chose another direction. I made up this stupid excuse that I needed time to be alone and they should go on ahead. And they did. So I just turned around and walked away from my own wedding. I saw your car. I would never forget that sweet ride of yours. Kaya ayun, nandito tayo ngayon."

"Ganun lang ba kadali 'yun Nicole? Ang talikuran ang lahat?" tanong ko. Humiwalay siya sa akin at tiningnan ako ng taimtim.

"You're an idiot, Yomz..." sabi niya. Sinuntok niya ako sa braso bago niya pinatong ang ulo niya sa aking mga balikat.

"Of course not. It was hard. It was very, very hard. I don't know how I ended up here and I'm confused myself as to why I'm here, but I am. And I'm still a very long way off from the answers I'm looking for. Do you think you could supply me some answers? Got a little Atenean wisdom for a poor LaSallian like me?" sabi ni Nicole na may halong pabiro sa boses niya.

Nag-isip akong mabuti. Hindi lang para sa akin kung hindi para sa kanya. Whatever I will say would open up a direction for her. At hindi ko rin alam kung anong sasabihin ko. Sasabihin ko ba na tama ang ginawa niya. Or shall I say something about fate bullshit and everything that happened led to this moment? To this monumental decision. 'Problema lang, hindi ako naniniwala sa kapalaran. At least not wholly. I always believed that fate is more like roads presented to us but it will always be up to us which road we will pick. Malabo ba? Sorry. Hindi ko na gaanong maipaliwanag e. Huminga ako ng malalim at nagsalita.

"Do you believe in destiny?" tanong ko. Medyo malabo 'ata ang tanong ko at hindi ko alam kung bakit ko tinanong iyon.

"I believe in choices and free will. Nothing is pre-ordained. If everything is according to someone's plan then no matter how fucked up your life is, you'll eventually get where you need to be. I don't buy it. Because by believing in destiny, fate or whatever you would want to call it, you give up on choices, the importance of sacrifice and free will. It gives false hope and broken dreams. We are a product of our own choices. Nothing more, nothing less..." sagot niya.

"Pretty straight forward." I remarked.

"Ngek. Ang corny naman ng tanong mo. Ano 'to? Soap opera. Akala ko dun lang ako makakarinig ng linyang ganun..." sabi ni Nicole sabay tawa. Namula ako ng kaunti. That was pretty cliché-ish.

"So what happened to us was just chance? A freak coincidence?" sabi ko.

"I wouldn't call it that. Call it serendipity. It's much more romantic that way."

"But it still accounts for the same thing right?"

"Maybe. So what's your point?" sabi niya na medyo may halong iritasyon sa boses.

"Nothing really. Just making idle conversation..." sabi ko.

May katahimikang bumalot sa amin. There's like this gap between us that prevents us from asking the real questions. The heart of the matter, if you will. Sino kaya ang unang kukurap sa amin? Palibhasa, pareho naming alam na kung may magsalita na sa amin, magkakaroon ng desisyon. And it scares the hell out of us. Because whatever decision we come up with, somebody will get hurt.

Hindi na lang niya desisyon ito. Hindi na lang ito desisyon ko. Desisyon naming pareho ito because whatever happen will affect us both. As to what extent, that's what scares us.

But sooner or later we have to. We can't run away forever. Sooner or later we have to face the consequence of our actions and sometimes it's better to deal with them now rather than a time where we can't do anything about it. We make choices everyday and somewhere among those choices, is a choice that may determine the direction where we are heading.

Hinanda ko na ang sarili ko para tanungin siya. Pero, naunahan niya ako.

"Sa tingin mo tama ang ginawa ko Yomz?" sabi ni Nicole. Nabuksan na. Napaisip ako ng matagal bago ako sumagot.

"I'm not really sure. The choices you had to make have no concrete yes or no answer. Everything is blurred in between..." sabi ko.

"Yomz. What do you really think? 'Wag mo akong daanin sa philosophical bullshit mo..." sabi niya.

"Fine. I would like to believe," I took a moment to clear my throat, "that you indeed made the right choice because this choice gives me a chance. But was it the right choice? I don't know. But do I want it to be right? Absolutely."

"Oh. Ok..." sabi niya with a thoughtful look on her face.

"Nicole, what did you love about me?" tanong ko.

"Love?" sabi niya sabay tawa. "You're asking a girl that has run away from her wedding how much she loves someone she met not long ago."

"I guess you're right. Let's rephrase. What did you like about me? Really..." sabi ko with utmost seriousness. She thought about it for a while, carefully composing her answer.

"The thing about you is that everything about you excites me. You're like this roller coaster ride that makes life more exciting. Every girl likes to be swept off her feet by someone dazzling and magnificent. You're that guy for me. You swept me off my feet. And there's this connection between us that I can't explain. It's like when I'm with you, time stops. Heck, the whole world stops and the two most important things in the world are you and me. You're a fairy tale in clothes Yomz..." sabi niya. Tumahimik na lang muna ako, mukhang may gusto pa siyang sabihin.

"And of course, I always liked the way we dance. No matter how chaotic the world is, no matter how fast it changes, we can always go slow."

That brought a smile to my face.

"And what do you like about Pao?" tanong ko.

"Ano 'to? 20 questions?" tanong niya ng pabiro.

"Just answer the question Miss Model..." sabi ko.

She stuck out her tongue like a little girl. 'Cute niya talaga. Haha. But seeing that I was taking this seriously. She calmed down and kept quiet for a few minutes.

"What do I like about Pao? The thing about Pao is that he's not a guy that can sweep a girl off her feet. He's not that kind of guy. But what he does is make the ride a little smoother. He's the type that would hold all your shopping bags while you try out a million outfits. He's the type that would read for you when you go blind. He may not be the most romantic but he takes care of you. Basically, he's the type of guy every parent would like their daughter to have as a boyfriend."

"So which of us would you like to spend your dying days with?" tanong ko.

"That's not a fair question. It's almost like cheating you know." She said with a pout on her adorable red lips.

"I think it is a fair question. And the most important..." sabi ko.

"Hmm... Fine..." sabi niya bago tumahimik muli.

"The truth is, no matter with whom I spend my life with, maybe it just doesn't matter. I can picture both of you and everything would be perfect no matter who I choose. I'm very confused Yomz. I like, no. I love you both. And choosing between both of you just tears me apart. This is even worse than choosing what to wear at a party!"

At that last remark, I just laughed. I don't know. She was so serious but then she brings up stuff like this.

"I'm serious here..." sabi niya.

"Sorry. I couldn't help myself..." sabi ko.

Katahimikan muli ang bumalot sa amin. Napag-usapan na namin halos lahat pero wala pa ring desisyon na nararating. Finally, I asked a question that I don't even know why I asked.

"If the world is about to end but either me or Pao have a chance to stop it. And in return, one of us would run the risk of losing you forever. Who would save the world and who would let the world end and be with you?"

Nag-isip siyang mabuti bago sinagot ang katanungan. Sino nga ba talaga?

Imposible Part 24

It is with true love as it is with ghosts; everyone talks about it, but few have seen it. - François de la Rochefoucauld


Ano ba ang tunay na pag-ibig? Paano mo masasabi na mahal mo na talaga ang isang tao? At paano mo malalaman na tunay nga talaga ang damdamin mo? Mahihirap na tanong na pawang walang tiyak na kasagutan. Pati ang ating mga pilosopo at kung sino man ay hindi magkasundo sa kung ano nga ba talaga ang tunay at wagas na pag-ibig.

Hindi man natin alam kung ano ang tiyak na depinisyon ng pag-ibig, alam natin kung ano hindi ang pag-ibig. Hindi siya pagsasakripisyo ng ating sarili. Kaya sana huwag tayong maniwala sa mga taong ipinapangako ang langit at mga bituin. Hindi hibang ang pagmamahal at hindi ito nangagako ng imposible. At lalung-lalo nang hindi umiikot ang mundo sa iisang tao lamang. Ika nga, "it takes two to tango". Kung ang pag-ibig ay magiging tunay, pareho dapat silang makikinabang. Unconditional love nga pero unti-unting nawawala naman ang iyong pagkatao. Dapat siguro sa pag-ibig, you learn to become "me" even though it's an "us". At siguro ang pinakaimportante, irespeto ang indibidwalidad ng isang tao at huwag itong hayaang mawala. Dahil kung binago mo ang isang tao sa ayon sa gusto mo, hindi mo siya minamahal, ang minamahal at ang imahen na gusto mo siyang maging. Maling-mali 'yun.

Ngek. Napapasenti na naman ako. Pasensya na. Napapaisip lang sa mga nangyari, nangyayari at mangyayari. Runaway bride... Who would have thought? Pagkatapos kong magdesisyon na magprotesta sa kasal, ito pa ang nangyari. It's like right out of the movies, huh? Or like a cruel play where no one knows the script and how it will all end.

Tiningnan ko ang bride-to-be. Pagkatapos ng ilang buwan na hindi ko siya nakikita, wala pa ring nagbago. Siya pa rin ang pinakamagandang nakilala ko. Pero parang may kulang sa kanya na hindi ko malaman kung ano. Pero... maganda pa rin siya. Ewan ko ba kung bakit lagi akong nabibighani sa bawat saglit na nakikita ko siya.

"Hey..." sabi ko sa kanya habang bumalik ang tingin ko sa kalsada. Mahirap na.

"Hey..." sagot niya na hindi tumitingin sa akin. Halatang paiyak na siya; pinipigilan lang niya.

"So... what happened?" tanong ko.

"I..." sabi niya bago tumigil. Naghintay ako. Ang mga ganitong bagay, hindi minamadali. Mahirap 'ata ang ginawa niya kaya respeto muna. Huwag pangunahan.

"I... I have no idea, Yomz..." sabi niya. At doon nagsimulang tumulo ang kanyang luha. Hindi naman hagulgol na matatawag pero something... subtler. More reserved. Pero kahit ganun, ramdam mo pa rin ang kalungkutan na bumabalot sa kanya ngayon.

"Want to talk about it?" tanong ko sa kanya.

"Yeah. But not here. Especially not in your car..." sabi niya.

"Ngek. Why not?"

"Because Yomz... I want to talk about this in some place neutral. This car has your personality written over it. It's intoxicating. Your very presence is intoxicating. This place overwhelms me. Somewhere else would be better. Some place nice, peaceful and happy. Could you do that for me Yomz?" sagot niya.

"Sure Nicole. Fine by me..." sagot ko.

Hindi na muna kami nag-usap pagkatapos nun. Siya, abala sa pag-iyak at ako, hinahanap ang isang lugar na pinapahanap niya. Finally, itinigil ko ang kotse sa isang tabi.

"Nicole, I think this is the perfect place. It's a hill overlooking the Tagaytay Highlands. May isang malaking puno na nagbibigay lilim dun para hindi tayo gaanong maarawan. You fix yourself or do some thinking here if you want. I'll leave the keys here, ikaw na ang bahalang magsarado sa kotse. I'll be waiting for you by the tree..." sabi ko sabay labas ng kotse.

Hindi ko na hinintay kung ano ang sasabihin niya. Bago ako umapak sa damuhan, tinanggal ko ang sapatos at medyas ko. Masarap kasi maramdaman ang damo sa ilalim ng mga paa ko. Ewan ko ba kung bakit. Dahan-dahan akong naglakad paakyat hanggang makarating ako sa may puno. Naupo ako sa damuhan, habang nakasandal sa may puno. Ang ganda talaga sa mga lugar na ganito. Ilang minuto siguro akong nakatitig sa kawalan. Kung ganito lang katahimik ang mundo. Sana.

Hindi ko naramdamang umupo si Nicole sa tabi ko. Inayos niya ang wedding dress niya. Wala rin siyang sapatapos. Nilapit niya sa katawan niya ang kanyang mga tuhod. Niyakap niya ang kanyang mga tuhod. Pagkatapos nun ay pinatong niya ang ulo niya sa balikat ko. 'Sarap ng ganitong pakiramdam. Isipin mo na lang, dalawang tao na nakaupo sa ilalim ng puno. Tahimik ang lahat and everything is just perfect.

"You chose the right place. Thanks..." sabi niya.

"No problem. So..." panimula ko.

"Shh... I'll talk when I'm ready. Just sit and wait..." sabi niya.

Whatever works for her I guess. Tinuloy ko na lang ang pagmamasid at pakiramdam ng hangin. Parang... perpekto ang lahat. Tahimik ang mundo. Ang babae ng iyong panaginip, nakapatong ang ulo sa mga balikat mo. Minsan lang mangyari ang ganito. Wala ka nang pakialam sa lahat. Basta sa saglit na ito, kayong dalawa lang ang tao sa mundo.

Everything else doesn't matter. All that matters is the peace you feel here. The perfectness of the situation. All troubles seem to melt into the background. Nothing else is more important in this time... in this place. This is everything you've ever dreamed about that you never actually knew. It's something that you never knew you've wanted; no matter how cliché it might sound.

Ilang minuto pa at nagsimula nang magsalita si Nicole...

Imposible Part 23

It is with true love as it is with ghosts; everyone talks about it, but few have seen it. - François de la Rochefoucauld


Ano ba ang tunay na pag-ibig? Paano mo masasabi na mahal mo na talaga ang isang tao? At paano mo malalaman na tunay nga talaga ang damdamin mo? Mahihirap na tanong na pawang walang tiyak na kasagutan. Pati ang ating mga pilosopo at kung sino man ay hindi magkasundo sa kung ano nga ba talaga ang tunay at wagas na pag-ibig.

Hindi man natin alam kung ano ang tiyak na depinisyon ng pag-ibig, alam natin kung ano hindi ang pag-ibig. Hindi siya pagsasakripisyo ng ating sarili. Kaya sana huwag tayong maniwala sa mga taong ipinapangako ang langit at mga bituin. Hindi hibang ang pagmamahal at hindi ito nangagako ng imposible. At lalung-lalo nang hindi umiikot ang mundo sa iisang tao lamang. Ika nga, "it takes two to tango". Kung ang pag-ibig ay magiging tunay, pareho dapat silang makikinabang. Unconditional love nga pero unti-unting nawawala naman ang iyong pagkatao. Dapat siguro sa pag-ibig, you learn to become "me" even though it's an "us". At siguro ang pinakaimportante, irespeto ang indibidwalidad ng isang tao at huwag itong hayaang mawala. Dahil kung binago mo ang isang tao sa ayon sa gusto mo, hindi mo siya minamahal, ang minamahal at ang imahen na gusto mo siyang maging. Maling-mali 'yun.

Ngek. Napapasenti na naman ako. Pasensya na. Napapaisip lang sa mga nangyari, nangyayari at mangyayari. Runaway bride... Who would have thought? Pagkatapos kong magdesisyon na magprotesta sa kasal, ito pa ang nangyari. It's like right out of the movies, huh? Or like a cruel play where no one knows the script and how it will all end.

Tiningnan ko ang bride-to-be. Pagkatapos ng ilang buwan na hindi ko siya nakikita, wala pa ring nagbago. Siya pa rin ang pinakamagandang nakilala ko. Pero parang may kulang sa kanya na hindi ko malaman kung ano. Pero... maganda pa rin siya. Ewan ko ba kung bakit lagi akong nabibighani sa bawat saglit na nakikita ko siya.

"Hey..." sabi ko sa kanya habang bumalik ang tingin ko sa kalsada. Mahirap na.

"Hey..." sagot niya na hindi tumitingin sa akin. Halatang paiyak na siya; pinipigilan lang niya.

"So... what happened?" tanong ko.

"I..." sabi niya bago tumigil. Naghintay ako. Ang mga ganitong bagay, hindi minamadali. Mahirap 'ata ang ginawa niya kaya respeto muna. Huwag pangunahan.

"I... I have no idea, Yomz..." sabi niya. At doon nagsimulang tumulo ang kanyang luha. Hindi naman hagulgol na matatawag pero something... subtler. More reserved. Pero kahit ganun, ramdam mo pa rin ang kalungkutan na bumabalot sa kanya ngayon.

"Want to talk about it?" tanong ko sa kanya.

"Yeah. But not here. Especially not in your car..." sabi niya.

"Ngek. Why not?"

"Because Yomz... I want to talk about this in some place neutral. This car has your personality written over it. It's intoxicating. Your very presence is intoxicating. This place overwhelms me. Somewhere else would be better. Some place nice, peaceful and happy. Could you do that for me Yomz?" sagot niya.

"Sure Nicole. Fine by me..." sagot ko.

Hindi na muna kami nag-usap pagkatapos nun. Siya, abala sa pag-iyak at ako, hinahanap ang isang lugar na pinapahanap niya. Finally, itinigil ko ang kotse sa isang tabi.

"Nicole, I think this is the perfect place. It's a hill overlooking the Tagaytay Highlands. May isang malaking puno na nagbibigay lilim dun para hindi tayo gaanong maarawan. You fix yourself or do some thinking here if you want. I'll leave the keys here, ikaw na ang bahalang magsarado sa kotse. I'll be waiting for you by the tree..." sabi ko sabay labas ng kotse.

Hindi ko na hinintay kung ano ang sasabihin niya. Bago ako umapak sa damuhan, tinanggal ko ang sapatos at medyas ko. Masarap kasi maramdaman ang damo sa ilalim ng mga paa ko. Ewan ko ba kung bakit. Dahan-dahan akong naglakad paakyat hanggang makarating ako sa may puno. Naupo ako sa damuhan, habang nakasandal sa may puno. Ang ganda talaga sa mga lugar na ganito. Ilang minuto siguro akong nakatitig sa kawalan. Kung ganito lang katahimik ang mundo. Sana.

Hindi ko naramdamang umupo si Nicole sa tabi ko. Inayos niya ang wedding dress niya. Wala rin siyang sapatapos. Nilapit niya sa katawan niya ang kanyang mga tuhod. Niyakap niya ang kanyang mga tuhod. Pagkatapos nun ay pinatong niya ang ulo niya sa balikat ko. 'Sarap ng ganitong pakiramdam. Isipin mo na lang, dalawang tao na nakaupo sa ilalim ng puno. Tahimik ang lahat and everything is just perfect.

"You chose the right place. Thanks..." sabi niya.

"No problem. So..." panimula ko.

"Shh... I'll talk when I'm ready. Just sit and wait..." sabi niya.

Whatever works for her I guess. Tinuloy ko na lang ang pagmamasid at pakiramdam ng hangin. Parang... perpekto ang lahat. Tahimik ang mundo. Ang babae ng iyong panaginip, nakapatong ang ulo sa mga balikat mo. Minsan lang mangyari ang ganito. Wala ka nang pakialam sa lahat. Basta sa saglit na ito, kayong dalawa lang ang tao sa mundo.

Everything else doesn't matter. All that matters is the peace you feel here. The perfectness of the situation. All troubles seem to melt into the background. Nothing else is more important in this time... in this place. This is everything you've ever dreamed about that you never actually knew. It's something that you never knew you've wanted; no matter how cliché it might sound.

Ilang minuto pa at nagsimula nang magsalita si Nicole...

Imposible Part 22

*click*

..........

I complain
When nothing's even wrong

Ayan. Narinig ko na naman ang favorite kong kanta. Alam ko na hindi ganun kasikat pero wala lang. I guess what I liked about it is what it says. It's nice to hear from time to time.

Anyway, nawawala na 'ata ako. Sorry. Medyo nagpapaisip lang. Kakasakay ko lang sa kotse ko papunta na sa kasal ng isang babaeng dumating sa buhay ko, binago niya, at umalis agad-agad.

Pero bakit nga ba ako pupunta?

Dahil gusto kong magpaalam o dahil nangangarap pa rin?

And you're ashamed
Cause you're not quite that strong

Masisisi niyo ba ako kung patuloy ko pa ring hinahabol ang isang tao na muntik ko nang maabot? Sino ba namang hindi? Oo. Tanggap ko na nga pero sa kaloob-looban ko, meron pa ring nangangarap. Meron pa ring boses na nagsasabi na ituloy ko pa. Na itigil ko ang kasal at sabihin sa kanya sa huling pagkakataon na mahal ko siya. Alam ko na kasalanan ang mang-agaw ng kasintahan ng iba lalo na sa kasal nila pero kung makukuha ko siya muli, ayos lang ang magkasala. Ayos lang magmukhang masama basta matupad lang ang pangarap.

Alam ko. Alam ko. "Bakit mo ba pinipilit ang hindi dapat Yomz? Bakit ba ginugulo mo pa ang buhay mo na naayos na rin sa wakas?" Iniisip ko rin yun. Nag-aalangan pa rin ako. Hindi ko alam kung itutuloy ko o hahayaan kong mangyari ang kasal. Pero paano kung ang lahat ng ito ay pagsubok lamang? Kung sinusubukan ng kung sino man ang naghahari sa lahat ang pagmamahal ko kay Nicole? Malay mo meron kang Diyos at ang buhay ay isang drama na siya lang ang nakakaalam kung anong mangyayari?

At ano pa ang silbi ng maayos ng buhay kung hindi mo naman makakasama ang taong mahal mo?

That's when I said I'll need
More than you can offer me
I miss your face as you can tell
I hope my absence makes you well

Pero ang tanong: Papayag ba siya na sumama?

Hindi lang ako ang kailangang gumawa ng desisyon na 'yun. Si Nicole rin ang kailangang pumili. Ako ba o yung boyfriend niya? Pinapapili ko na naman siya. Bakit ba tuwing nagkikita kami, may desisyon na kailangang gawin? Ano ito? Isang napakasamang kwento ng pag-ibig? Kung ganoon nga, napaka-'langya naman ng gumawa nito.

I am shy
I never speak a word
And you are numb
From all the things you never heard

Teka. Nasan na ba ako? Ayun. Dito ako liliko. Malapit na ako. Kinakabahan na ako. Ano nga ba gagawin ko? Shet. Napakahirap namang maging ako. Sa totoo lang, hindi na ako makatulog ng mahimbing simula noong nalaman ko na ikakasal na siya. Lahat ng emosyon, bumalik ulit hanngang sa 'yun na lang ang naiisip ko. Parang yung... Zahir.

Alam nyo ba yung Zahir? Yung tipong isang tao na nakilala mo na lagi mong iniisip na hanggang sa mapansin mo na siya na lang ang nilalaman ng isip mo. Astig 'no? Nabasa ko kay Paolo Coelho yan.

That's when I said I'll need
More than you can offer me
But now I own an empty space
And I can't fill it with your face

Ayun, nandito na ako. Ito na 'ata 'yung simbahan. Ito na Yomz. Ito na ang panahon na hinihintay mo at ang panahon na kinakatakutan mo. Relax. Breath in. Breath out. Kaunting lakas ng loob. Ok. Ito na.

Binuksan ko ang pinto at isasarado ko na ang makina ng kotse nang may nagbukas ng passenger seat. Shet. Ano 'to? Magnanakaw? Ano ba naman yan. May carnapper sa parking space ng simbahan. At sa lahat ng araw, ngayon pang araw na ito.

"Hi Yomz..."

Holy shit!

Cause what I didn't know
Is I was killing you
I said a lot of things that I didn't mean to
But I am older now
And I believe in you

Tumingin ako ng dahan-dahan. Nakaputi siya. Wedding gown. Tiningnan ko ang mukha niya. Ouch. Siya nga 'yun. Si Nicole ang sumakay. Ang weird naman nito. Coincidence ba o ang kapalaran na hindi ko pinapaniwalaan.

"Oh? Baka gusto mong isarado ang bibig mo at baka kung ano ang pumasok diyan?" sabi niya.

"Ha? Sorry, sorry. What the hell is happening here?" sabi ko kay Nicole.

"I don't know. What I know is gusto kong umalis dito. Please, if you will..." sabi niya.

I just shrugged, closed the door again and drove off.

So I can wait awhile
If it brings me back to you



(Imposible is by imperfect of Ragnaboards)

Tags: imposible, imperfect

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Imposible - Part 22

Feb 4, '09 8:06 PM for everyone

We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope. - Martin Luther King, Jr.


"Ate, isang West Ice..." sabi ko sa tindera. Binuksan ko ang kaha ng yosi, tinanggal ang foil sa harap at kumuha ng isa. Kumuha ako ng stick, binaliktad ko at ibinalik sa kaha. 'Yan ang wish stick ko. Kumuha ako ng panibago, tinaktak, sinindihan at dahan-dahang inilapit sa aking mga bibig. Hithit. Buga.

Nakaka-ilang buwan na rin pagkatapos noong huling gabing kasama ko siya. Pero alam nyo, naririnig ko pa rin ang Canon in D sa utak ko. At syempre, kasama nun ang lahat ng nangyari sa pagitan naming dalawa. Ano na kaya nangyari dun? Wala na akong balita e. Hindi naman ako mahilig tumingin sa entertainment section ng dyaryo.

Madami na ang nagbago sa buhay ko simula noong gabing naghiwalay kami. Unang-una, nagbati na kami ni Jerems, yung kaibigan ko na nakipag-ano kay Andrea. 'Yun. Masakit ang ginawa nya pero sayang 'yung pinagsamahan namin kung hindi na kami mag-uusap dahil sa isang pagkakamali (at least, 'yun 'yung sinabi nya sa akin). Pero bagong simula ito. Kailangang magbalik ang tiwala namin sa isa't isa.

As for Andrea, well, nag-usap na kami ng masinsinan. And we decided to break our on-off relationship for good. 'Yun lang ang paraan upang maging maligaya kami pareho. Pero nawalan man ako ng isang kasintahan, nagkaroon naman ako ng kaibigan.

Ako naman, ayun, konsentrado sa pag-aaral. Naghahabol ng DL, nangangarap na sana umabot. Naghahanda sa med school. Inayos ko na ang buhay ko. May mga bisyo pa rin pero hindi na patapon ang buhay ko. She really changed my life kahit na hindi kami nagkatuluyan. And for that I will forever thank her. She gave me hope.

Noong umpisa, hindi ko matanggap ang desisyon niya. Deep depression. 'Yun 'yung isa sa mga lowest points ng buhay ko. Umuwi ako gabi-gabi ng lasing, pumasok ng may hang-over. Pero ako rin ang pumigil sa sarili ko. Naalala ko lahat ng natutunan ko sa ilang araw na kasama ko siya. Ang pagmamahal niya sa buhay. At ang pagtrato niya sa bawat araw bilang isang biyaya. Kaya ayun, sinubukan kong ayusin ang buhay ko.

At ito ako ngayon, kuntento na sa buhay ko. And why not? May magandang kinabukasan na naghihintay sa akin. Masaya ako pero minsan nalulungkot rin. Sino ba namang hindi? Pero babangon rin naman ako.

Teka lang ha. Mukhang may nagtext sa akin.

Hi! Andrea here. Kilala mo pala si Ate Nicole, hindi mo sinabi sa akin. Anyway, she's inviting you to her and Kuya Pao's wedding next month sa Tagaytay. Text you all the necessary details tomorrow.

Ouch. Ikakasal na pala siya. Masakit pa rin ang sugat pero kakayanin ko 'to. May kirot pa rin pero ano pa bang magagawa ko? Hindi ako ang pinili niya... Si Pao ang pinili niya. And I have to live with that choice. Tanggap ko pa naman e. At least, thankful pa rin ako na hindi pa rin niya ako nakakalimutan.

Pupunta ba ako? Syempre, I wouldn't miss it for the world. I owe her that much. I have to be there. Wala akong masamang balak sa pagpunta, I just want her to be happy with her choices. Pero syempre, may mga gabing nag-iisip pa rin ako kung ano kayang nangyari kung ako ang pinili niya?

Kumuha ulit ako ng isang yosi at sinindihan ito. Tiningnan ko ang mga bituin at muling inisip ang bituin na muntik ko nang maabot...

Imposible Part 21

There isn't enough darkness in all the world to snuff out the light of one little candle. - Siddharta Gautama


Highschool. Isa sa mga lugar na gusto nating balik-balikan kahit sa alaala lamang. Doon nangyari ang ating "formative years". Para sa akin, isa ito sa parte ng nakaraan ko na tinalikuran ko na pero hindi kinalimutan. We should never forget our past, no matter how harsh nor how tragic. It is a part of us and it formed us to be who we are now.

Still... What am I doing here? With a boyfriend that didn't even go to school here. I have no idea. I have no answer to that. Only he knows the answer.

"Pao... what are we doing here?" sabi ko.

"It's a surprise..." sabi niya habang ngumingiti. Bumababa siya sa kotse at binuksan ang pinto para sa akin. Pao, the gentleman. It's one of the little things that I love about him.

"Do you trust me, Nic?" tanong ni Pao.

"Of course. Why are you asking?" sagot ko.

"Please put this on..." sabi niya. He handed me a red silk blindfold. I caressed the silk and felt its smoothness. This is true silk. Expensive. I looked at him with a quizzical look.

"What's this for?" tanong ko.

"It's a surprise honey..." sabi niya.

"You're kinky..." sabi ko ng pabiro. Tumawa siya. Tinali ko na ang piring sa ulo ko. Ngayon ay wala na akong makita.

Naramdaman ko siyang lumapit sa akin at niyakap ako. Dumampi ang kanyang mga labi sa aking pisngi. Pagkatapos ay may sinabi siya sa akin.

"I love you..." sabi niya.

"I love you too..." tugon ko.

Humiwalay siya sa pagkayakap pero hinawakan niya ang aking kaliwang kamay at dahan-dahan niya akong ginabayan sa kanyang surpresa. Hindi ko alam kung anong mangyayari o kung bakit nandito pa kami. I really don't know. Maybe I'm scared, maybe I'm excited. It's just one of those things that gives you mixed emotions. It was hot. And the air seemed to smell of strawberry. I just love the smell of strawberries.

I felt him stop. And he got behind me and he hugged me once again. He kissed my left cheek and my right. Then he whispered to my ear.

"I love you Nicole..." he said.

I put my arms over his and smiled. I now know what this is about. And it frightens me. But at the same time, I am overwhelmed with happiness. Tears start to form behind the silk blindfold and trickled down my cheek. This was the day that I have hoped for. And dreaded. This is the moment. The moment that I have longed for.

This is the moment where he will ask me to marry him.

Slowly, he took off the blindfold but I didn't open my eyes. I wanted him to guide me on this night. On this ritual that couples go through. This is our moment of truth as a couple. Our next step towards something higher. Something that will dictate our lives. Something that will make this relationship complete.

"I have no doubt you know what's going to happen next. I know you're scared and you may not be ready but you can open your eyes now..." sabi sa akin ni Pao.

And I did. What I first noticed was light. Tiny little candles surrounded us, forming circles all around us. Imagine us, standing in the middle of so many candles, each candle contributing their own light to make this night seem like a dream. Candles of various sizes arranged in such a way that the candles of the inner most circle were the smallest and the candle of the outer most circle were the biggest.

And as I looked down, a little velvet box stood on the pillar in front of me. It was open and inside it was a ring. A very familiar one. It was the ring that I was gazing at every time I went by in that Jewelry Shop in ATC. It was the very same one. Tears formed once again. And I cried.

I cried for many reasons. Gladness. Relief. Dread. Anxiousness. And for love. It's cliché I know but I cried for love. Was it for a love gained or for a love lost? I don't really know.

Silently, I turned towards my boyfriend. He was kneeling on one knee. He looked at me and smiled.

"We've known each other for five years now. Count the candles and you'll know just how many days you came into my life. Remember the time when you said that you said to me that you weren't an angel and I said that you didn't need to be? The reason why you didn't need to be was because you were already an angel to me. You may not have known it but you actually saved me from myself. I was in deep despair then but there was always something about you that made me feel happier and more alive. You gave me something to look forward to each day I wake up. To me, you're already an angel. Now I know you're not the perfect woman in the world but you're the perfect one for me. And I would be honored if you married me. Say yes Nicole and we will be together for the rest of our days..."

I slowly took his hand and brought him back to his feet. I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him fully in the lips. I could taste the tears that trickled down my face. But mostly, what I felt was the pureness of the kiss. It felt right and for that brief moment all of my doubts vanished. Everything vanished. Except us and the candles.

He broke off the kiss and looked at me. My teary eyes met his crystal clear ones.

"I'm still waiting for an answer..." he said with a smile. I smiled back at him and hugged him fiercely.

"Yes..."