Imposible Part 14

Your answers lie inside you. The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust. - Cherie Carter-Scott


Sa isang blog...

Hindi ko alam kung bakit sobrang saya ko nitong mga nakaraang araw. Napapangiti ng wala namang dahilan. At hindi lang basta ngiti. 'Yung abot na tengang ngiti na may kasamang pamumula ng pisngi. Shet. Ano ba 'to? Paano na ang aking "manly" image? Haha. Sayang naman. Pero seryoso, masaya talaga ako. Dahil 'ata 'to sa kanya... at 'yung gabing 'yun.

Sa akin na lang kung sino siya. Hindi ko sasabihin at baka hindi kayo makapaniwala. Maisip nyo pang nangangarap lang ako. Na delusyonado ako. Kaya mananatiling lihim na lang ang pangalan niya.

Sa totoo lang, hindi ko talaga alam kung paano nangyari ang mga nangyari na. Tila isang panaginip na napakaganda. Ngayon lang ako naging ganito kasaya. Parang nabago ang buong pagkatao ko at ang buhay ko ay nabigyan ng bagong kahulugan. Hindi naman sa pinapalaki ko siya o ginagawang isang diyosa. Hindi 'yun. Pero alam mo 'yun? 'Yung parang may dadating sa buhay mo at lahat nagbago pati personalidad mo. 'Yung parang naging mas mabuti kang tao dahil sa kanya. Pambihira ang ganitong klaseng mga tao. Nandiyan lang sila kung hahanapin mo talaga. 'Yung bestfriend mo na sasamahan ka kahit anong mangyari, isang kamag-anak na paminsan-minsan mo lang nakikita, ang guro na ang leksyon ng buhay ang itinuturo, ang isang estranghero na minsan lang dumaan sa buhay mo at hindi na nagpakita pa muli... o ang isang taong mahal mo. Sila ang mga taong nag-iiwan ng marka sa pagkatao mo. Hanapin mo lang sila at magpapakita sila.

Nyak. Drama naman nun. Haha. Anyway, ano na kaya mangyayari sa amin sa susunod naming pagkikita? Sa susunod na Sabado na daw eh. Kabado pa rin ako. May usapan kasi kami e. 'Papakita ko mundo ko, 'papakita niya mundo niya. Tapos dun ko malalaman kung bibigyan niya ng pagkakataon na maging kami. Paano kasi... may boyfriend na siya. Tatlong taon na 'ata sila o lima? Alam ko na parang ang sama ng kakalabasan ko nito pero ewan. Wala na 'ata akong pakialam sa sasabihin ng ibang tao. Basta makasama ko siya.

Pero ang tanong: Ano kaya ang pipiliin niya? Sana ako... kung hindi...


Sa isang diary:

Things have been blown out of proportion. Reason has been thrown out the window. And my life will never be the same again. It's weird. It's scary. And it was fun. Scratch that. It IS fun.

I meet this guy. He turned my world upside down. I thought I was happy with what's been happening to me. A good family, good education, a modeling career that has been skyrocketing to the top and a steady relationship with a guy I love. Or so I thought. But then, this guy comes and shows me a part of myself that I never knew existed. But do I love him?

He told me the other night that he loves me. It felt right and wrong at the same time. I'm so confused. I was close to tears at that point. Part of me desperately wanted to tell him that I also felt the same way. I wanted to cling to him so badly. I wanted him to just take me away. It was freedom from the world I'm living in that I wanted. And he was my ticket out. But I didn't. I didn't do anything.

He was never meant to be part of my world. I had my life already planned out. A few more years modeling then I would settle down with Paolo. I would quit my job and raise our little children. I would teach them what I knew of this world. After that, they would grow and start to raise families of their own. Eventually, we would have grandchildren. And I'll tell them stories about their lola who used to be a model. A nice life don't you think?

It was what I wanted. But now... I'm not really sure. It's a nice life sure. However, I keep asking myself, is that what I want to happen in my life? Is it really?

Hopefully, I could figure it out by Saturday. That's when we will meet again. And that's when I will have to choose what I really want to do with my life. This got to be one of the most important decisions of my young life (even more important than choosing what I had to wear for my debut! Really!) Grrr! The pressure. Hopefully, I would make the right one...

***** boys...